I didn't notice!

I think I know things, I fancy myself as pretty intuitive, a decent judge of character and circumstance. To be honest most people do. Few would call themselves gullible or just plain dumb when it comes to being able to navigate social situations, interacting with others, having wisdom and awareness in self-reflection. But, that is perhaps my downfall, the proverbial 'plank in the eye'. I proudly assume awareness and fail to acknowledge my blind spots, limited perspective and potential to be...dear goodness...wrong. Time for a reality check! A re-orienting! Wisdom is a gift from God...FACT! It's a Kingdom thing, a piece of the divine realm allowed to push through into the physical, to inform our decisions and movements through this world, and give us a glimpse of God's clarity in a world that is never black and white. May my prayers be humble and my sights set on the provider and supplier of all blessings and gifts.

Life Plans!

This is it guys!

The temptation of individual heroism

There's a lie that I've bought into which is that "I should be able to do it all and do it successfully". It seems like a ridiculous and incredibly arrogant thing to believe or even to admit to but even if I deny it, my actions would betray me. In these first 2-3 years of youth ministry, time and time again, I have been guilty of having a Messiah Complex - believing that if I wasn't there pastoring wouldn't happen, programs wouldn't happen and teenagers wouldn't have anyone. There have been instances where I have been meeting and talking with youth and there families and I've come away from that interaction so broken, so burdened by all their hurts and struggles that I could do little other than cry. The inability to function comes not from the desire to walk along side people who are vulnerable like you, it results from the desire to be the strong one, the competent one, the together one in a circumstance when someone is breaking. When I read Nouwen's In the Name of Jesus what becomes abundantly clear pretty quickly is that we need to set aside the temptation to be so 'professional' we loose our focus on God and on service in ourselves.

What seems to transpire as a result of believing oneself to be the only one who can help the youth of the church community, and this has happened to me is that I usurp God from God's position and kill real ministry. I have given up what it means to truly communicate the healing power that God brings because despite feeling broken after an encounter with others, I continue to persevere with the illusion of strength in the moment. The illusion that I can fix it, or I can somehow be the one to bring healing. Believing that I can't seems to admit failure, lack of competence and skill and who wants to look like an idiot, not me! What I've found as well, is that faining the virtues of humility, peace, joy and patience can also work to raise up people's measures of you. And I love few things more than pleasing others, being well liked and being admired for doing a good job. Yet, in trying preserve the image of a hero I de-throne God. This is simply not acceptable!

Nouwen's central reminder to Christian leaders, like myself, is that it is Jesus who heals, not I; Jesus who speaks words of truth, not I; Jesus who is Lord, not I. The difference here is between true competent to share the message of restoration that God brings to humanity and the temptation to believe that your skill is necessary to bring about that restoration. The fact is GOD DOESN'T NEED US! Jesus declares the very mystery of ministry in the words "Feed my sheep". We are all sheep and it is Jesus the Good Shepherd that leads and provides. Shared brokennes gracious becomes the gateway through which are loving Savior chooses to step through and bring transformation. Jesus demonstrates the power of servant leadership in complete contrast to well-qualified, competent, strong and capable leader that I strive to be.

It's interesting to be writing this reflection in the season of Lent. One of the disciplines that Nouwen suggests is Confession. It was only yesterday that I was told that I had a Messiah Complex, immediate I recognised it and it hurt to know that as a Christian leader I was far from the person that I needed to be to really minister to youth. It was hard to recognise that I was offering myself as the savior rather than God. There is no other appropriate response in this instance other than to fall on my knees and own up to the lie that I have fallen into, asking God for forgiceness. For the fact is, I cannot do it all nor do I need to, I will not be able to do it all and I am not asked to, I will not succeed 100% of the time and I'm not expected to. Jesus Christ is the One and only Messiah, Jesus is the one that Christian leaders ought to be lifting high and not ourselves.

*Written reflection on Nouwen's In the Name of Jesus Section 2 From Popularity to Ministry